There’s a running conflict between me and my husband, Steve. He is patient. I am not. He is slow-and-steady, I hit the ground running. He is all, “We have decades to do the stuff we want to do. We’re so young!” And I’m like, “No, no, no! Let’s go, go, go.”
It all stems from very obvious places.
Steve’s parents are in their 90s and still work, travel all over the place, and drive (yes, drive). My husband’s Aunt Dorothy lived until 106, but not before getting remarried in her 80s—to a man 15 years her junior—and taking hula dancing lessons until her late 90s.
On the flip side, my family history should come with a warning label. At age 46, my dad succumbed to a massive heart attack during his morning jog. My paternal grandma suffered a fatal stroke, also at 46, while riding in a NYC taxicab. A beloved aunt passed away at 39, and an uncle never made it to his 30th birthday. And don’t get me started on my maternal side, where they may live until old age, but quality of life is chipped away by cancer, diabetes and Alzheimer’s.
When health and longevity aren’t your genetic benchmarks, it can feel like you’re in a race against time. You’re compelled to do everything, everywhere, at all once (I couldn’t resist), or at least as soon as humanly possible. At 54, that’s a lot of pressure.
So, no, my husband doesn’t feel particularly rushed to accomplish all the things before he goes completely gray. And I feel like I can’t check items off my bucket list fast enough.
Let’s make a reservation and get it on the calendar! Let’s call them up and plan it! Let’s find a time and book it!
Let’s go, go, go.
But there is a downside to this mentality. While I accomplish a lot, I tend to burn myself out. Because I’m often looking forward to the next thing, I can have trouble being in the moment. And that can be just as detrimental as not getting around to everything you want to do.
The other day I glanced at my monthly calendar and realized that more than half of the things on it I wasn’t particularly looking forward to. I asked myself: How many of these activities bring me joy? Which are helping to advance the career I want, versus the one I think I should have? Which do I feel compelled to take to the finish line, even though they don’t put a spring in my step? It’s important for your sanity to take inventory every so often.
The irony is that as I’m getting older—and time seems to be speeding up at a frantic pace—I’ve finally been teaching myself to slow down. After all, what good is living longer if you’re not appreciating what comes your way? I’m making a conscious effort to savor a good meal, soak up a great conversation, and linger on my surroundings when I’m on a drive or hike.
Do I still get annoyed when my husband says we have 30 years to finish traveling the world? Yep. Do I bite my tongue when he wants to return to the same neighborhood restaurant instead of trying some new one? Of course. I’m never going to be the person who stops planning or trying new things. But I’m also glad to be in a relationship with someone who grounds me and encourages me to appreciate what’s in front of me. (And I think he’s secretly pleased to be living with someone who keeps him on his toes.)
Like everything in life, it all comes down to balance. Learning to not worry, but also not waste too much time. Enjoying the present, while still looking ahead to the future. Bucket lists can be helpful, but not if you’re checking off stuff just because there’s a little box next to it.
Do something because you truly want it. Do it because it nourishes and inspires you. Do it because on your death bed you’d be angry with yourself for not doing it. Then slow down, take a deep breath, and enjoy every moment of the ride.
